Well. that's over and done with. Been done with for 3 weeks now. I've just been wondering if it should be posted. I realised it should.
Let it be a reminder to me.
Look, I tried my best with this guy... this guy who claims over 20 years experience. But whilst there is no doubt that his technique is sound, his heart and mind are.... well, shabby, cold, callous and irresponsible.
** He failed me as a Dom **
We had made plans to lend me out to another Dom. We talked about this, he let me decide, I accepted, and conveyed that if he were present, I would consent. We set a date and I was terribly nervous and apprehensive. This was first time, and he knew that.
- 2 weeks before our special appointment, he had a change in job scope
- 1 week before the meeting, I asked him if we should postpone; he declined and said he would confirm
- that confirmation never came. I had to SMS him the night before. And he didn't answer until the day itself that of course, our special meeting was cancelled because he couldn't cope.
Sorry - no matter how bad your personal life or career is, you could have accepted my offer to postpone. Put your damned ego aside, listened to reason. But no..... he made me wait one week, all nervous and on tenderhooks. Is this how you take care of your property? You want me to wear your marks, but you don't want the responsibility? Tsk tsk tsk.
Oh, and he knew things weren't working out, but he didn't give a shit. During our last session, *I* had to make recommendations on how to use little actions and language to centre us on BDSM play. Hello? You claim you want to train me but you did nothing throughout to prove your experience! You left it to a sub - a sub whom you knew hadn't played for over 8 years - to try and improve things?
Fail. As a Dom, totally fail.
** He failed me in the vanilla world **
He had left my belongings unattended to retrieve something. He could not wait the 5 minutes for me to return. It is the work of but a split second for someone to walk by and grab my handbag. You obviously couldn't care less what happens to my belongings.
Oh, plenty of other little things that made me wonder about him. Like how he would greet me with a blank look and a brusque nod of the head. Any smile I had forming on my face at the pleasure of seeing him would die slowly. I could *feel* my smiles dying. Then we'd sit down to dinner and I wouldn't/couldn't smile for the rest of the evening., If you know me, you'll know this is rare... I am usually smiling half the time I'm with someone.
As a person? Fail.
** He was a health risk **
Pussy ropes used were not washed. Anal plug was removed and tossed back into the drawer. Vibrator was pulled out of my ass and later, he asked me to use it on my clit.
** Lastly, he took me for granted **
I had told him never to take my submission for granted. But no... he only SMSed me when he wanted to ask me when I was going over. Or if he had some sex-related question. But as a person? Nada. No interest in who I was, how I was doing, how I was feeling. Any information he knew about me was something I had said voluntarily. And by this time, I was even more reticent than normal because of how unhappy I was.
It made me feel as if my submission to him was no different to submitting to some idiot off the street. Or to his bloody washing machine lol What was my submission worth to him? Apparently? Nothing. I was merely someone to fuck when convenient.
Absolute, complete and utter FAILURE.
I don't think I've quite met anyone who failed on so many levels lol. The unfortunate thing was.... I knew his friends loved him and I struggled to see the man inside. I made excuses for him, to myself. I wanted this to work out as I'd missed serving. Any and all of these things made me blind to the fact that this IDIOT was just out for a quick, impersonal fuck.
Subs, please learn from my lesson. If a person cannot treat you with grace, dignity and respect as a normal person, you will receive even worse treatment as a submissive. True, I want to be made a toy, to serve, to obey, but these are things I give to my Master, not things to be grabbed with grubby, greedy hands.
For example, on an early visit home with this jerk, he actually asked me to hang out his laundry. Accommodating idiot that I was, I obliged. I stopped doing things for him very quickly, however, when it dawned on me I was just being used.
I truly believe submission is a gift. I have learnt to stand up for myself in the vanilla world and as a sub, I still need to defend myself as needed. But this whole episode has showed me I have forgotten a few things...so in a way I am grateful to Idiot for awakening my sub side and reminding me how HOW I should be taking care of myself.
I give up my freedom to you: I want to obey you, I want to serve you, I want to make you happy in any way I can. Bend me over furniture (over anything! lol), tie me up and plug me. Let me be your body servant and sit at your feet. Teach me to pleasure you in ways only you know. Examine me to ensure I am up to your standards.
But in return I need you to look after me, have my well-being at heart, show me you understand what my submission means, treasure that submission.
Sounds like I need a TPE or 24/7 eh? lol No, not really! But this is what goes through my mind when I submit. Bottom line? Don't take my submission for granted.
It's all in the head for me.
All it ever was.
All it will ever be.
Argh! To find a Dom who understands all this is will be my life's pursuit! lol NNnoooooo.... not really :)) I'm not quite so hung up on this that I'll push everything else aside. But my god, when I find him he'll be a treasure to savour and hold dear, you can be sure!!
Oh well... next better Dom please!